BFN! So disappointed

Ok, so I have been taking my temp (no changes) and been trying to notice any body changes... nothing so far. As of yesterday, I should have been 12 days past ovulation (possibly 11). I took a EPT test and it said "not pregnant". I was incredibly disappointed. Since yesterday, I have been having "Aunt Flo" like cramps and a little bit of a lower back ache. I know that these can be the onset of my period but I have no spotting yet. I will not give up completely til she rears her UGLY head!

Will I keep trying? Not sure. Scott says no, but I think I could talk him into one more month of trying. I am so confused... I just want a baby so bad.

Camping Trip

We just got home yesterday from our 8 days of camping in Vogel State Park. We had so much fun! We camped with mom and dad... although dad was only able to come down at night. Scott was only able to stay a couple nights as well, but work comes first.

On our first night there, the "don't feed bear" warnings were loud and clear, also reminding campers to put away food.... well, we decided to heed the warnings but in the back of my mind, I thought it was just a mere suggestion. WELL... we didn't put away a cooler that had our drinks in it and guess what, about 1 minute after zipping ourselves into the tent, we heard the shouts from the campsite across the street from us "there is a bear in your camp!" he yelled... Sure enough, the bear terrorized our campsite through out the night. It was unnerving to think of a big black bear right outside of our flimsy tent! He continued to visit us each night we were there, always leaving behind prints and evidence of his visit.

Spending time with my mom was great... we got to do some bonding. Also, the kids enjoyed being spoiled by her. I love my parents more than words can say. They would do anything for me and the kids (Scott included). It's such a blessing to know that there are parents like mine in our lives.

Through out the week, I tried not to dwell too much on what I am wanting my body to do... God knows what is best for my life and I need to remember that when I am feeling frustrated and bummed out.

School starts in two more weeks! It's amazing how fast the summer has flown by. I had so many plans to do with the kids and I feel like I kinda pooped out on doing most of it. I wanted to help work with the kids and their reading and vocabulary, math, etc... ugh! Summer should be fun but I know they need the extra help. Maybe we will work on that this week. :-)

Ugh... MEN!

Ok- new problems now. Not going into detail here, but maybe things will work now!

Happy Face today!

Well, I have been waiting for 7 days now to get a happy face on my ovulation kit. Today, I was happily surprised with the "positive" result. It was my last test, was going to have to buy a new kit ($30) if it was negative...

So, all excited, I went to Scott who was still asleep to get him to get excited with me and got rejected. It made a zillion emotions well up inside me. Disappointment, anger, frustration, rejection, sadness... just to name a few. Ok, I know making a baby isn't the most "ideal" way to wake up... but I have wanted this ever since I lost the baby last month. I see babies all the time, or pregnant women and I want what they have so bad.

Scott and I are at such a better place in our relationship than we have ever been before. My pregnancy with Andrew was full of anxiety and changes. My pregnancy with Daniel was a little better, but we were financially unstable and I had a toddler to keep up with. I am a different person today than I was 10-12 years ago and I want a chance to go through pregnancy with all the positives that I missed out on before.

I don't want to take anything away from the pregnancy I had with the boys, but I was young and didn't appreciate the things that I should have. Now I know how precious life is... and especially how fragile a pregnancy can be.

So, this morning, I was really sad when Scott didn't seem to want the same thing I did. I know that I can't expect him to drop anytime I ask him to... but today was different, I had that happy face and I was soooo excited. :-(

So, maybe tonight... who knows. BLAH!

My fears

After my miscarriage, I joined a forum where other women are that have been through the same experience. I was shocked at how many women have had multiple losses. Statistics that the doctor gave me was that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Doing the math, that is pretty big odds... but when I think about all the mothers I know, only a small percentage of them have had miscarriages. So, talking with the doctor, I know that my odds are now increased for another miscarriage... (why I wonder?) and I honestly didn't believe him. Now I see all of these women going thru two, three, or more miscarriages and I kinda freak a little. I can't imagine going through that again. Even Daniel told me "God wouldn't do that to you again, Mom".

I can honestly say that I want a baby, but I have these fears about losing it that will not go away. If I get pregnant, I think I will be a paranoid basket case (poor Scott). Even when I was having my period, the memories of the miscarriage all came back to me and I was so sad.... that dread feeling I had each time I went to the bathroom and saw a little more blood, knowing that it was my body rejecting my baby, was so real again. I pray to God that I do not have to go through that again... If it is not meant for me to have another child, I just hope that my body will not get pregnant. It would be easier to live with infertility than another loss.

I have my boys back...

I know that there is no way that Andrew and Daniel could know how much Scott and I missed them... but I know now that I could never be apart from my kids longer than a week without being completely miserable. Maybe I would get used to it, but I know that I am a mother who needs to be with her kids. They complete me. Fighting, messes, everything makes my life what it is. I was born to be a mom... it's what I do best.

Missing my kids...

This week the boys are staying at Truett Camp... I am missing them terribly. Day one was ok, quiet, but Scott and I enjoyed some private time. Day two was harder... waking up to a quiet house was definitely not what we are used to. Last night around midnight, I was thinking about how Andrew would be at camp on his birthday and I would not be able to give him a big hug and kiss and tell him how much I loved him... I almost cried thinking about it. His 12th birthday without being able to hear from his parents... I pray he is ok (he is the one who gets homesick). He is surrounded by friends, so I know he will probably be fine. Me on the other hand, is so miserable without my little boys. I keep thinking how slowly the time is going by without them home. God please watch over them and keep them safe.

Not pregnant this month...

So I was confused Monday... but now I know for sure. Maybe I knew in my heart, but hoped that it was just implantation. Wrong. I truly started my cycle this morning, along with the aches and pains that I am used to each month. So we will just try again this month and maybe one more try next month if we don't succeed. If we still come up "Not pregnant" we will stop trying. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be. God knows what He is doing.

I am incredibly disappointed, but I have decided to rejoice in the fact that I have two wonderful boys that God has blessed me with and I should be thankful for that. Grateful for what I have and not dwell on what I do not have. Besides, after spending endless hours on the support forums for people who are trying to have just one child, I know that I have nothing to complain about. I have been blessed and pray that other women will have the opportunity to feel what it's like to have a child.

So, I plan to rejoice in today and thank God for all my blessings.

What's the deal?

So.... in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling mild (very mild) cramps. Just enough to make me wonder if it was in my imagination. It was the same cramps I started having when I was about to miscarry. Then when I went to use the bathroom this morning, some light spotting...

Ok. Realistically there are only a few explanations for this, but it all brought back the fear and worry I had when I figured out that my pregnancy was doomed. I cannot be miscarrying this early, surely to goodness... right? I am 3 weeks past my miscarriage, about a week 1/2 past zero HCG levels...

Explanation?

1) Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head. Early, yes, but not too far out of the normal for me. 22 days since miscarriage would put me having my period about the right time that I would normally start between periods. I will be disappointed if this is the case, but at least it will give me a good idea as to where I am in my cycles, etc. The only thing that makes me doubt this is that I do not have any other period symptoms.

2) Implantation bleeding. Hmmmm... this one is a little more "out there" for me. I never did it with the boys. I did have something similar to this with the last pregnancy, but it ended in a bad way, so I don't know if I want to compare this with that one. I am still mildly cramping...

So, you can see why I am on edge today. I am paranoid of repeating the miscarriage. I want to be pregnant and I am just scared.

Oh well, all I can do right now is wait and see. Pray. And dream...

It's been awhile...

I haven't written since the day before my miscarriage... yes, all the worries I had regarding the "symptoms" and lack of symptoms finally came to reality. On June 21, 2009 (Father's Day), I had a miscarriage. It was the worst day I have ever had. My heart broke for the little baby that would never be and I found myself grieving for a child I had only known about for a week.

I had always felt bad for women who had miscarried a baby, but to be honest, I never realized how much it would hurt. Physically and Emotionally. When you discover you are pregnant, you let yourself form dreams and a future for your unborn child... you allow yourself to include him/her into your life and think about all the possibilities. Will it be a boy or girl. Maybe twins. Will he/she look like my other children... It crushes you when the baby you have begun to love suddenly is no more.

Physically, it is very painful. Maybe more so because you know that with every cramp, your body is rejecting a deceased child inside your womb. I was devastated and saddened more than I ever thought possible. I knew I would survive it and I knew that God had a plan for me and that child, but I was so disappointed that I would have to tell Andrew and Daniel that their hopes of a little brother or sister were over.

My doctor said that we could try again... but in a way, I was scared to death of the possibility of reliving that nightmare again.

Several days after the miscarriage, Daniel and I were driving home from town and he said to me, "Mama, I am sad that our baby died". I answered him by saying that I was sad too, but God needed that little baby in Heaven. He went on to tell me that I could try to have another baby... and I explained to Daniel that I was a little scared of that because I couldn't go through the pain of losing another baby. Daniel said to me, "Mama, God won't take another baby from you... He wouldn't do it twice".

After that conversation, I realized that I would never know if I didn't try again. Maybe God won't let me go through something like that again... and we are trying to find out.

It's 3 weeks exactly since the miscarriage and I am emotionally and physically better. I still feel sad about the miscarriage and it hits me mostly when I see pregnant women or little babies. Maybe we will get another chance, who knows...

Something is wrong...

I guess I knew it deep down, those gut feelings shouldn't be ignored. Maybe I could still be wrong, but I don't feel like this pregnancy is going to make it. After getting all the cramping and spotting, I made the appointment to see my doctor. He also seemed concerned about the fact that I don't "feel" pregnant.

He did an internal ultrasound and confirmed my worst fears. No baby, no sac, no sign of a pregnancy. The only explanation would be that I am getting ready to miscarry or that my dates are way off and I am not as far along as I think I should be. That doesn't seem possible, but it's my only hope. They did bloodwork yesterday and will compare my HCG levels. I will find out when I go back on Monday whether a D&C will be necessary or if this pregnancy has a chance.

I am incredibly disappointed. More so than I would have expected. I am feeling really alone right now and took some of my feelings out on the boys yesterday. I yelled a little too much and broke down right in front of them. I apologized for it and I know that they forgive me. Daniel, bless his little heart, got the worst of it. I love that little stinker, but he really pushed all of my buttons yesterday.

After such a disappointing day, I really needed Scott to be there for me. He wasn't and I resent him for it. Poor Andrew heard me crying in bed last night and came to be with me. I will cherish that moment for the rest of my life because my heart was hurting so bad and he, a 12 year old child, knew what his mama needed most, just to be comforted.

Problems? I am worried.

So far, this pregnancy has been nothing at all like the boys. Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that it was 11 years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest.

Yesterday (June 17) I went to the doctor and they confirmed my pregnancy and gave me a due date, February 15, 2010. I think this might change because I think I might be a little further along than they calculated. But we will see when I have an ultrasound.

I know I am really early but I began cramping and spotting last night. I never did that with the boys. I finally called the doctors office today and told them the problems I had been having and they agreed that I needed to come in tomorrow. I hope that I get good news because I really want this baby so bad. It just seems like the right thing for our family right now.

Worrying has done me no good today, I have pretty much stayed on the couch all day. I have prayed a zillion prayers today. Please God take care of this tiny little baby.

June 18, 2009

Well, this is my first attempt at a "blog". I know that people have been doing it for years, but I tend to be behind the times when it comes to technology and cool new stuff. I wanted to have some kind of journal to track the journey that our family will be taking as we welcome baby # 3 into our lives. Let me begin with some background for those who may not know anything about me and my family.

I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful guy, Scott, who is the only person in the world I can hate and love all at the same instant. He can make me laugh like no other. We met years ago in Wal-Mart... one of us a little more interested in the other. One trip to Chattanooga, TN and things really changed for us. He made me laugh and feel so good when I was with him, it was easy to forget everything else around me.

A few short months later we got our first big surprise. I was pregnant. At age 20 (me) and 24 (him), we weren't babies having babies, but we sure weren't prepared for what lay ahead. We decided to get married before the baby was born. We were in love, but faced a lot of challenges at the time. On June 15, 1997, we married in Pigeon Forge, TN and on July 22, 1997 we became a family when our first born son, Andrew Scott was born.

I can't say that a baby fixed all of the problems that we had, but we sure did make a cute little family. Andrew was a true blessing and all the doubts and fears we had as a couple were overshadowed by the love we had for our precious baby boy. As our lives became more stable, we found that we made a great couple. The only thing that could make our lives better would be to give our little boy a brother or sister. So two years later, on July 9, 1999, we welcomed Daniel Aaron into our lives.

Our boys have always been our lives. They kept us busy and kept us together during the hard times. I have to admit, there were many hard times... but many, many more good days. Having two active little boys is tons of fun but lots of hard work. After Daniel came into our lives, we felt our family was complete. Mostly. Always in the back of my mind, I wondered how it would be to have another child... I really never thought we would. If Scott was wanting a baby, I didn't and if I was wanting a baby, he didn't. Seems like we could never get on the same page.

Then this year came and because I know Scott and I are not getting any younger (37, him and 33, me) I decided that we needed to think seriously about whether or not we were really DONE or not. I had been on birth control and decided to test the waters one month. Since we are older and all, I figured it would take a long time... well, that was last month. This month I never got my period. I took a test and it was negative. A week later another test, negative... at first. Then a faint line appeared. I took it as a messed up result and waited another week. On our 12th anniversary I took the final pregnancy test and discovered that Yes, I am pregnant.