Monday, July 27, 2009

Ugh... MEN!

Ok- new problems now. Not going into detail here, but maybe things will work now!

Happy Face today!

Well, I have been waiting for 7 days now to get a happy face on my ovulation kit. Today, I was happily surprised with the "positive" result. It was my last test, was going to have to buy a new kit ($30) if it was negative...

So, all excited, I went to Scott who was still asleep to get him to get excited with me and got rejected. It made a zillion emotions well up inside me. Disappointment, anger, frustration, rejection, sadness... just to name a few. Ok, I know making a baby isn't the most "ideal" way to wake up... but I have wanted this ever since I lost the baby last month. I see babies all the time, or pregnant women and I want what they have so bad.

Scott and I are at such a better place in our relationship than we have ever been before. My pregnancy with Andrew was full of anxiety and changes. My pregnancy with Daniel was a little better, but we were financially unstable and I had a toddler to keep up with. I am a different person today than I was 10-12 years ago and I want a chance to go through pregnancy with all the positives that I missed out on before.

I don't want to take anything away from the pregnancy I had with the boys, but I was young and didn't appreciate the things that I should have. Now I know how precious life is... and especially how fragile a pregnancy can be.

So, this morning, I was really sad when Scott didn't seem to want the same thing I did. I know that I can't expect him to drop anytime I ask him to... but today was different, I had that happy face and I was soooo excited. :-(

So, maybe tonight... who knows. BLAH!

Friday, July 24, 2009

My fears

After my miscarriage, I joined a forum where other women are that have been through the same experience. I was shocked at how many women have had multiple losses. Statistics that the doctor gave me was that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Doing the math, that is pretty big odds... but when I think about all the mothers I know, only a small percentage of them have had miscarriages. So, talking with the doctor, I know that my odds are now increased for another miscarriage... (why I wonder?) and I honestly didn't believe him. Now I see all of these women going thru two, three, or more miscarriages and I kinda freak a little. I can't imagine going through that again. Even Daniel told me "God wouldn't do that to you again, Mom".

I can honestly say that I want a baby, but I have these fears about losing it that will not go away. If I get pregnant, I think I will be a paranoid basket case (poor Scott). Even when I was having my period, the memories of the miscarriage all came back to me and I was so sad.... that dread feeling I had each time I went to the bathroom and saw a little more blood, knowing that it was my body rejecting my baby, was so real again. I pray to God that I do not have to go through that again... If it is not meant for me to have another child, I just hope that my body will not get pregnant. It would be easier to live with infertility than another loss.

I have my boys back...

I know that there is no way that Andrew and Daniel could know how much Scott and I missed them... but I know now that I could never be apart from my kids longer than a week without being completely miserable. Maybe I would get used to it, but I know that I am a mother who needs to be with her kids. They complete me. Fighting, messes, everything makes my life what it is. I was born to be a mom... it's what I do best.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Missing my kids...

This week the boys are staying at Truett Camp... I am missing them terribly. Day one was ok, quiet, but Scott and I enjoyed some private time. Day two was harder... waking up to a quiet house was definitely not what we are used to. Last night around midnight, I was thinking about how Andrew would be at camp on his birthday and I would not be able to give him a big hug and kiss and tell him how much I loved him... I almost cried thinking about it. His 12th birthday without being able to hear from his parents... I pray he is ok (he is the one who gets homesick). He is surrounded by friends, so I know he will probably be fine. Me on the other hand, is so miserable without my little boys. I keep thinking how slowly the time is going by without them home. God please watch over them and keep them safe.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Not pregnant this month...

So I was confused Monday... but now I know for sure. Maybe I knew in my heart, but hoped that it was just implantation. Wrong. I truly started my cycle this morning, along with the aches and pains that I am used to each month. So we will just try again this month and maybe one more try next month if we don't succeed. If we still come up "Not pregnant" we will stop trying. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be. God knows what He is doing.

I am incredibly disappointed, but I have decided to rejoice in the fact that I have two wonderful boys that God has blessed me with and I should be thankful for that. Grateful for what I have and not dwell on what I do not have. Besides, after spending endless hours on the support forums for people who are trying to have just one child, I know that I have nothing to complain about. I have been blessed and pray that other women will have the opportunity to feel what it's like to have a child.

So, I plan to rejoice in today and thank God for all my blessings.

Monday, July 13, 2009

What's the deal?

So.... in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling mild (very mild) cramps. Just enough to make me wonder if it was in my imagination. It was the same cramps I started having when I was about to miscarry. Then when I went to use the bathroom this morning, some light spotting...

Ok. Realistically there are only a few explanations for this, but it all brought back the fear and worry I had when I figured out that my pregnancy was doomed. I cannot be miscarrying this early, surely to goodness... right? I am 3 weeks past my miscarriage, about a week 1/2 past zero HCG levels...


1) Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head. Early, yes, but not too far out of the normal for me. 22 days since miscarriage would put me having my period about the right time that I would normally start between periods. I will be disappointed if this is the case, but at least it will give me a good idea as to where I am in my cycles, etc. The only thing that makes me doubt this is that I do not have any other period symptoms.

2) Implantation bleeding. Hmmmm... this one is a little more "out there" for me. I never did it with the boys. I did have something similar to this with the last pregnancy, but it ended in a bad way, so I don't know if I want to compare this with that one. I am still mildly cramping...

So, you can see why I am on edge today. I am paranoid of repeating the miscarriage. I want to be pregnant and I am just scared.

Oh well, all I can do right now is wait and see. Pray. And dream...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

It's been awhile...

I haven't written since the day before my miscarriage... yes, all the worries I had regarding the "symptoms" and lack of symptoms finally came to reality. On June 21, 2009 (Father's Day), I had a miscarriage. It was the worst day I have ever had. My heart broke for the little baby that would never be and I found myself grieving for a child I had only known about for a week.

I had always felt bad for women who had miscarried a baby, but to be honest, I never realized how much it would hurt. Physically and Emotionally. When you discover you are pregnant, you let yourself form dreams and a future for your unborn child... you allow yourself to include him/her into your life and think about all the possibilities. Will it be a boy or girl. Maybe twins. Will he/she look like my other children... It crushes you when the baby you have begun to love suddenly is no more.

Physically, it is very painful. Maybe more so because you know that with every cramp, your body is rejecting a deceased child inside your womb. I was devastated and saddened more than I ever thought possible. I knew I would survive it and I knew that God had a plan for me and that child, but I was so disappointed that I would have to tell Andrew and Daniel that their hopes of a little brother or sister were over.

My doctor said that we could try again... but in a way, I was scared to death of the possibility of reliving that nightmare again.

Several days after the miscarriage, Daniel and I were driving home from town and he said to me, "Mama, I am sad that our baby died". I answered him by saying that I was sad too, but God needed that little baby in Heaven. He went on to tell me that I could try to have another baby... and I explained to Daniel that I was a little scared of that because I couldn't go through the pain of losing another baby. Daniel said to me, "Mama, God won't take another baby from you... He wouldn't do it twice".

After that conversation, I realized that I would never know if I didn't try again. Maybe God won't let me go through something like that again... and we are trying to find out.

It's 3 weeks exactly since the miscarriage and I am emotionally and physically better. I still feel sad about the miscarriage and it hits me mostly when I see pregnant women or little babies. Maybe we will get another chance, who knows...