It's been awhile...

I haven't written since the day before my miscarriage... yes, all the worries I had regarding the "symptoms" and lack of symptoms finally came to reality. On June 21, 2009 (Father's Day), I had a miscarriage. It was the worst day I have ever had. My heart broke for the little baby that would never be and I found myself grieving for a child I had only known about for a week.

I had always felt bad for women who had miscarried a baby, but to be honest, I never realized how much it would hurt. Physically and Emotionally. When you discover you are pregnant, you let yourself form dreams and a future for your unborn child... you allow yourself to include him/her into your life and think about all the possibilities. Will it be a boy or girl. Maybe twins. Will he/she look like my other children... It crushes you when the baby you have begun to love suddenly is no more.

Physically, it is very painful. Maybe more so because you know that with every cramp, your body is rejecting a deceased child inside your womb. I was devastated and saddened more than I ever thought possible. I knew I would survive it and I knew that God had a plan for me and that child, but I was so disappointed that I would have to tell Andrew and Daniel that their hopes of a little brother or sister were over.

My doctor said that we could try again... but in a way, I was scared to death of the possibility of reliving that nightmare again.

Several days after the miscarriage, Daniel and I were driving home from town and he said to me, "Mama, I am sad that our baby died". I answered him by saying that I was sad too, but God needed that little baby in Heaven. He went on to tell me that I could try to have another baby... and I explained to Daniel that I was a little scared of that because I couldn't go through the pain of losing another baby. Daniel said to me, "Mama, God won't take another baby from you... He wouldn't do it twice".

After that conversation, I realized that I would never know if I didn't try again. Maybe God won't let me go through something like that again... and we are trying to find out.

It's 3 weeks exactly since the miscarriage and I am emotionally and physically better. I still feel sad about the miscarriage and it hits me mostly when I see pregnant women or little babies. Maybe we will get another chance, who knows...